I did not know I would ever get addicted to something so strong and hard like cigarettes. I HAVE to change compeltely my mindset and meditate all day to find courage and endurance and go for walks and errands. Someone told me dying of cigarettes is a slow and painful death. (On a community forum about those who want to quit or have quit and need support). My hope was to die of a heart attack but there are about 50 other diseases, fatal or debilitating, that come with heavy smoking. My maternal grandma started crying, bursting into tears, when she learned that i was a regular smoker at 17. I am afraid of dying a martyr form oral cancer. to me, that is the most likely outcome. And I would then understand the violent heartfelt reaction of my grandma when I was 17.