After about 3 weeks of complete sanity, i look back at my last few years and i am TERRIFIED of everything I have spewed online and in emails to people and old friends. The outrageousness of everything, the accusations out of the blue of everyone raping everyone, etc...obviously, I am super PTSD but it is not an excuse and should not have degenerated that way if I had not had a psychotic disease on top of it. I am discussing all this with hubby. I hope we are always on good terms depsite these years and what I said to everyone. 

After discussing with hubby, we have both come to the conclusion that I am the sanest as a recluse of a sort. Social stress, even the good one, really really unreasonably stresses me out to the utmost, to the point of precipitating psychotic disorderly thoughts. I am okay with that while hubby is alive but if he dies before me, i am screwed bad socially to STAY sane. I have no one else deep down except a few people who live far.