I once wrote in a book that I would be known as a martyr if ever i am known. Now I am thinking, maybe God has more pity than that for me and knows my heart is not that Huge to die a horrible death of violence and supplice after such a tough life though not bad at all because I liked my mind and learned from it... nope, i am thinking I may simply die in a diaper after a stroke. Not fun. But way more natural than  a martyr death. And this may be God's pity on me as He or She knows what i am or not capable of enjoying for Him or her if only if He or She sees it worthwhile. I believe always had that GOD is BENEVOLENT ONLY.  I thought I was willing to die a supplice to make waves for God in the afterlife of my Lilou legend I was so keen on writing in buddhism....But maybe this is not even necessary. I am certainly not huge and dont want to ever be necessarily. So most probably diaper and stroke for me. We dont all need to feel tortured all throughout our life turly and even in the end to be allowed to speak of God at all, people! I am now convinced of that. I think i am a bit fatalistic and that is why i called msylef a martyr. But truly, certainly not in death. Amen.