Yet I am still alive.

My body is really crapping out on me tonight and recently. I really don't like this stiffness in my limbs tonight all night. I was hoping for a simple heart attack. without losing consciousness of course. I had the defibrillator used once on me already, in Toronto, before I knew police brutality in my life. There is no way anyone dies simply of a heart attack. I was conscious the whole time they used the machine on me and the neighbours were talking to me I thought they were ghosts. anyway, suffice to say my mind was expanding by then and I was ripe to learn to live without BJG for a few years. BJg was extremely disrespectful and unkind to me in Toronto back then. I had asked god to give some other option than living hooked up to him for a little while.