Perhaps, because it was a very serious all along. So it is possible that whomever I was before, I was spoiled. I am still in the yoyo of rebirths.  It is mind blooming to never ever know for sure ever what or whom we have been. Or will be. I may not be ordinary that much in the way I think, but I am not a super sanctus revolutionary like Ghandi or all those men of power. I am telling you, this life feels like it has been a punishment from which I was finally forgiven with fruits very ripe of meditation and holiness. at last. My disease was really tough on my self esteem mostly: I had none since Toronto. That is usually a sign you are under guidance to learn to take it like a woman whatever God sends you. My life was definitely chastising for the longest time in my mind and also body. But my dear amigos, I saw Claire lamarche interview a bunch of carmelites. That is holier than me. Byfar. all the nuns had been carmeltes, cloistered, for over 40 years. Since they had been 20 years old. I would refuse such a call by God. Very small saint everyone, just very fun.  God asked me if I wanted to be a carmelites. I considered it too disciplinary and serious. Too much abnegation by far. You should all see this interview with carmelites: these women are not human in a mundane sense of the word anymore. they are very saint women. I did not want to offer my life to God under such conditions of utter abnegation. remember, I may have been simply van gigh.