Two faults came to view in my consciousness to explain the utter badluck I had for many decades: vanity and selfishness. I have long suspected my previous life was glamourous or at least ultra high standing socially. The utter shit self etseem I had for many years and the accompaying anger so terrible, show I was vain in my previous life to me. This is one of my way to make sense of this harsh first part of life.

I was such a snob with my parents it was shameful. And drove me mad to be raised with so little vision except material comforts and traveling al the time. I have suffered a ton for many decades though I was not always so mad. But deeply deeply lonely and unhappy. May I never sink so low again and in the name of the Lord, may I be progressively eradicating this tenacious vanity which shows up as soon as I know success and popularity. 

In Buddha I take refuge to find awareness in the three jewels. i certainly dont want to be reborn a high nun like a dalai lama. I have investigated a bit the tibetan system of tulkus, and they all complain about the tyranny of guardians and especially, the huge expectations put on them. It is a very archaic sytem though sometimes, it works marvels like for Mingyur rinpoche, chogyam trungpa and the 14th dalai lama. Truth of gems are sometimes find in tulkus. but I suspect most of it means nothing. many superbly ordinary men are treated like gods and loads of cash in tibet because they are recognized as tulkus. That is wrong and shows the system is more up to Buddha than ourselves. karma prevails. For good and disappointing tulkus. 

The visions I had here in BC while tempering with my meds and being highly traumatized, were stupendous. but it was so very very hard physically and psychically. I was also living in utter fear all the time. Basically, I was allowed in BC to truly lose my mind safely. I right away took a nun's vow to repay God in kindness  and devotion for such exquisite transe visions for two years.

I had high lamas flirt with me in a mystical way on facebook. They loved my crazy wisdom.And thought I had excellent class. These lamas and a few nuns from Tibet are the only ones who were thrilled by my crazy wisdom of 2018-2020.