Such will be my life as a martyr in a bad marriage to save my toddlers.

We are all in this cycle of rebirths for one thing: get closer to enlightenement eventually.

So sometimes, we have real nasty rebirths. It is my hope I will never end up forever on downtown east hastings like these brutalized forgotten poor poor people these days. But we HAVE to have nasty rebirths here and there. It is earth and earth is extreme suferings too, not only love and pleasure. May God be my shepperd. I will be muslim.

P.S. I am a bit worried I am actually going to that crazy martyr life straight after this one. I die at 23. I have lived the extermes of crazyness here I will have to endure there in that lifetime. And it will be really bad with this man. It is very possible that is my next short reborth to improve what left God unhappy with me in this lifetime. I had zero duty call in this current lifetime. This is what left God unhappy with me maybe. 

I was so spoiled in this lifetime, ama la, with my parents as a child. Yet I complained bitterly and crazily about them for decades.

Perhaps THIS is what really pissed off God overall and this is why I could very well be reborn straight into hell life of a forced marrage of the worst kind. I was mad to hate my parents so much. I never until now or I was feeling better, actually accepted them simply as they are. They are not yet game changers and high class philosophers but who cares! Neither am I!

The only bad place I know for forced marriage is afghanistan. Pray for all these child brides, people. I feel God is really wanting me to prove duty call to parents and especially, children and Him or Her. I will be totally in love with my babies. THIS will be the only meaning in my life. I will be nuts from pain and sorrows with this mosntr husband, but will be able to forget myself completely in this nightmare to take care of my children. I have also asked God to only make of me a kickass mother. So if all goes well and I am right, you see God never punishes only as such- he also gives us what we crave for- being a good kickass mother who pays the ultimate price for her children.