Am i actually a tad pathetic and I did not know anymore?

All these promises I make, that my death will bring money for everyone I love in need, that i will give a lot to two nunneries, etc. If this is not truth, yet I am saying it to people, that makes me an idiot and a fool.

Unless God is showing me pathetic: making promises I wont keep unless I say the truth (which I dont know).