Yea, I may have had quite a bit of merit the first 40 years of my life with some tough times, like many people but also poverty and ill health for me on top.

but truly, these days I indulge the dream way too much to be meritorious.

I have to consciously get back into making an effort at living a good life, anchored in the real wolrd and not paranoia.

In turth, in BC, I have met a single gansgter who hurt me: he was a cop, a terrible one. But apart from him, no one ever came close to being nasty with me that I did not know.

Nasty as in dangerously violent, like that gangster cop in 2021. So truly, I should leave these fictionalized gansgters stories of my traumas and made up things too at times. I truly met no gangster in BC except that cop.  So I shoudl leave all this nasty vibe met once behind and go forth into the world and notice the total absence of bad people in my life.