This is way better than usual. I am so scared of oral cancer in my cheek in my mouth nowadays. I have a sore spot, quite big surface. i know now that I have been so very very crazy since 2006 and much drinking and pot heavy use (but especially drinking), that everything could have been a total let down and now that I know nothing I said about any future is real, and that i wont die a hero, i am left with contemplating oral cancer.

An acquaintance of mine said , many years ago to me when I mentioned it,  that the patients of such disease look like 'monsters' - the surgeries are so nasty.

She works as an and of life care doctor. High school acquaintance.

It looks like I have been so very out of it for 20 years that I thought i would never ever die of cigarettes though 3 packs a day for 20 years. how fucked up out of it I have been with the realities of my world in the last 20 years.

may Buddha help me get through with everyone at home and my loved ones, anything that can happen for real in my near and far away future.

I should go take a walk to distract me from my mouth sore in ym cheek so big surface and to walk the dogs. The day has been rather busy but very very pleasant.

may Buddha help me with stopping cigarettes before I get oral cancer for real and without hospitalization. Stopping at home,simply. Please Buddha I have total faith in You and your teachings and omniscience and compassion and wisdom. If I die of nasty disfigurement from oral cancer, I will have been such a complete foolish fart all my life. i think this may just be what it will turn out to have been for me: I was a foolish fart. Thankfully, quite creative and an okay writer.