I am realizing tonight how very extensively broken I have become.

I think one day i will hear of this Lilou life and realize I was quite the martyr.

I have forgotten by now most of it all but my state of brokenness current and in the last 10 years explains well the depth, or shows it anyway, of my sufferings throughout my whole life. I am quite a kickass martyr I think we will say one day. sigh. It is a heavy burden to be so unhealthy and drug addict and smoker of cigarettes and drinker.

I look at the poor drunk poet Charles Bukowski and feel about as healthy as him.

*I have met many mentally ill and poor ex drug addicts or addicts hobbbo in recovery at hospital in BC. This has really really softened me with God about my own borkenness- I have seen people who suffer so much more than me. Yet they are satisfied with their lot and accept God's will in their lives. When you think of it all these unlucky drugged up and or poor people wiht mental health issues have discovered something that takes quite an experienced heart:contentment with their lot. And peace with God through atonement. You have no idea how grateful i am for my metis friend Rosie- for three years we helped her out financially minimally and sporadically (about 4-5 times) and I hung out with her. At this stage in my Lilou life and I hope forever, i find her way way way more interesting than the people I met growing up. She has lived more than any of them. And though her religion is nutcase and old fashion due to lack of education and privileges, her mind and heart is the most interesting of anyone I ever met as a friend except Brunelle.