Yes, that is why I am so daring in my emails and on the blog. Booze truly gets rid of all social filters. I dont know what will happen to my family members after I am gone and with what is coming to north america.

I thought mother would not be able to cope mentally.

And that sister would be petrified with fear enough to try to kill herself.

If that is the case, what a crazy family we have all always been! ha ha a h...I know it is not funny at all, but it is odd how everyone ends up crazy except me and dad and the kids. Those who never gave ,though quite wealthy, except if it was fun for them , shall end miserably. Despite what I said, God does punish us here and there.  My own martyrdom shall be rather epic. Is it punishment? It is selfless mana for my legend. Dont ever fear physical pain in your life- it is normal when you are a martyr to end painfully. It makes more of a bang and adds to your glow as a legend. If God wants to make you big, he may have to make you die nasty. So you become a model of courage to everyone. Please recall how nasty our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ died on the cross after severe torture and beating before. I certainly call on him and Buddha when I am afraid of pain- They are professionals and have seen it all in eternity done to themselves- they thus can help us get through the pain. amen.

If I am reborn in islam as a 15 years old teen bride, know I shall die simply with a sliced throat.  Maybe in the bath. it is very very rare I die that way. I will have lived as a professional spy, that is why, which I did not as Lilou. I married for love and money in this life. Not for simply duty. But I will have way more merit in that life so I die easy. Also, I am less of a legend in islam than in buddhism. We can say I was too angry so I die nasty nasty nasty as Lilou- God always gives us many reasons about why we must go through what we must go through as humans. I personnally think the nasty martyrdom awaiting me is truly so I have the mark of an official martyr on all fronts. i dont die to police brutality and my death is actually superbly fair, one of the fairest I had in a while...amen.

I dont feel like this is very thrilling to die nasty and in pain as heck.

Once while sick and being beaten by crazy cops in hospital, I invoked my friend Paco's strenght to physical pain because I would have gone nuts with it otherwise...

His energy totally took over the pain and I knew I was right to have been so obsessed with him: he is no doubt holy too. just nothing to do with me in this Lilou life.

I dont fear whatever may happen but I do hope it will be quick.

To me, dying of exhaustion and such is way worst than a martyrdom.