If only I had a robust mental health. I could then become a nun without fear of stressing out and going nuts again. It is a very rigourous life. And I would have to quit all intoxicants forever including cigarettes. I really have no interest in any romantic relationship in the future if my marriage is a disaster for now. And I meant to become a nun since  2015 or 2016. Since I had blissful visions for a while as I was lost in my mind. 

UPDATE

The abbeye has 1-2 weeks in house retreats with the monastic. That may be a good thing to explore. Still, i have to quit cigarettes even for that of course. No intoxicants whatsoever during my stay.