The program Déjeuner en paix is playing. Hubby is upstairs. Billy is on my bed and whiskey is in BJG's room. I am drinking coffee. Music is good and in French québécois. It is an odd strong pull I have towards my old culture. but maybe not: this music and language is my all time youth. i am certanly not more than a regular illuminated. A nobody truly that had had cool visions while being deeply in despair. Not particularly enlightened, but more like inspired. I fear what my end of life will be: I have had ideas of having to have my ass wipe after given a laxative by a bad nurse. Of having a heart attack and being paralyzed until the end, in hospital. If that is true, I have had a very very hard life for someone not that bad truly. But tibetans believe in merit above everything to make us gain sanity and wisdom and edge forward towards more and more enlightenment.  I think I understand the value of this merit. But I want to learn meditation formally. And maybe I will be paralized in hospital to earn learning it at last. To be honest, when I envision such an end of life, I am very very discouraged and tired. But I have had the calling for meditation all my life. And it is essential to me I get to practice it fully to reach the dissolution of the ego, my disease in this lifetime. I dont EVER want to be reborn as hateful as I have been because of my upbringing and sickness in this life. I understand merit. i have agreed to this end of life despite having already been sick all my life. I have strenght of character and that i have always known. I am learning so much in this one lifetime ama la. It is just the harshest kamma I will have ever had but with a real aspiration to enlightenement forever. om mani peme hung. I have had the calling to be a nun also all my life. And have known utter freedom of expression and behaviour in this one life. To me this, this why why this kamma was well balanced for a fully enlightenement reach forever with a few lifetimes. It is the tibetans who will make of my lifetime a legend. I really am nobody but they believe in what i believe. Unlike everyone in Canada.