Billy is there It will be nice to slip into bed. But some nervous energy is making me feel like I want to stay up. I sleep mostly very easily these days. This is why i am not worried about tonight and dont want a sleeping pill. They always fuck you up a bit no matter how excellent they are. I look forward to mom and dads energy at night. It will be so very hard maybe not to smoke half as much as I do here. I should not smoke near them at all. It is really a foul smell. And I stopped smoking in the house there by 2001. May God help me and Green tara and white tara and blue tara too. My mother also asked me to be sober a few days before I even arrive. Sigh, that is  a lot of requests for my lifetsyle to change for them. Anyway, I take her notice of preferring no weed this week into consideration. It is probably an insightful and wise request coming from her.

Of course, i wont smoke next week while I am at their place.

I really feel like I am on the verge of a cardiac arrest at times. My chest is so tight and worried all the time. It is probably just anxiety tonight. 

I want to foresee mom and dad's energy at their home like I am reminded tonight. I can sort of see it again in my memory as an adult visiting and it is overall super nice truly. It is rather safe. Super douillet. And everyone  keeps everything looking good there. It is a super swell place though a bit uptight of course with cleanliness comparatively speakign to us. Like everyone else we know.