It is because I am sad. When I am joyous, I get a bit euphoric online and become quite foolish with reincarnation stories and imagined lives as such. But usually, when i am sad, I am more soberly grounded. I am mentally preparing for a lot of sobriety. But not with cigarettes. i am on my fourth pack today at 3:30am. 

So much sadness in my heart today. Hubby is a bit of a lost case I think. His disrespect is so disappointing. Doesn't he love me and doesn't he see how every morning I take care of him? I sometimes feel that the only wake up call he could ever get would be to read this blog once I am dead. This will never happen.