I see that I need to practice much more humility with my loved ones. I feel like they dont love me when it is just because I am silly. This vanity I am SURE is why I am punished with such foolishness though not bad heart in this lifetime. I must have been super vain in a past life and I feel it still in me as a sin when I am ungrateful for the love towards me of my loved ones.

we all want to be big legends, talented and wise. Not all of us can be that. I am just a talented fool as a writer and indulge way too much pot and booze to be wise.

I swear I see streaks of genius mind in my work. But I am so foolish overall that it is just a spark no one benefits from. May Buddha help me never forget I am vain so i can practice humility with God and Buddha. And especially my loved ones, whose love I should truly stop judging or doubting.