It is despair that made me crazy all along. Hubby helped on all front when I was very young.

His temper was why I kept leaving him though I always knew he was all i had.

i am depressed almost at feeling and noticing a tinge of despair still haunting my chest. It was THE defining state of my chidlhood and teenager years. I think what we may have with my family is a bunch of ordinary people who adopted and never could love enough a weird child with such a bad temper. However, by now, Imust say they do love enough. It is very very nice. But despair still lives on somewhere,hiding on my heart. Oh people, how it hurt with that adoptive mother! She is totally not so with it by now. but very sweet. After treating me like a terrible child, an untrustworthy child, all my young life, she also said I would be her old age crutch and love it. How angry I was inside when she was saying that. When I was on Unemployement insurance, she said she would give me her discman if I bought her a stereo or some such super expensive item.....you cannot be angry with a woman like that...she is crazy. She called me to say she had a good saying to tell me: turn out it was the saying by zola I had just sent her. ???? She has always been that weird. It is one thing to be loving crazy and fun and generous many times, and another one to be a twisted selfish vain crazy person,

I am trying to be nice here, but I think in this end of the world upon us in america, we are reminded of Lou reed's lyrics and old saying: you're gonna reap, just what you've sown