Billy is on my bed and I am tempted to go to bed next to him to sleep faster by his side than alone.

I am terribly aware of my own mortality nowadays. Whatever crazy heroic feat I assumed I would turn out to end as, is all bs.

I am no hero.

It was a fun fantasy that lasted a good year though.

Tonight, I looked at my hands and thought: this body will rot or be burn (preferably) one day.  What will be left of me then that is me?

Will I vanish into nothingness and never be reborn nor see the light of life ever again? I have sinned greatly in emails to my family and friends and others in BC when I was very ill. And even today, i can be way too super harsh in emails. I Must work at never saying depressing nor negative fortune tales.

The only purpose of intelligence between humans is to bring hope. I wrote about that circa 2019 or 2020 on the blog.

How I have spent hours talking crap and negative insults to all my loved ones...based on false beliefs , always almost. i may very well be fiercely punished by God and bad kamma for this.

May God forgive me and BUddha and Jesus guide my pen and writing and mind and heart. amen. Please forgive me.