What I truly thought was an UTTER waste of time for everyone else, and myself, was to write so much every single thing I ever thought when drugged up and crazyy traumataized.

Not just to myself, but to my loved ones in emails. My neediness to reach out to every one in my life was epic.

It is as if I had stunted growth from love lacking from mom.

I was desaperate that anyone could understand me.

I am not ready to be a Teacher guru of my living. Even in a rebirth. I am still too selfish and not devoted enough to others hapiness before my own.

I am way too young in this lifetime to be anyone big.

What I hope is I am ultimately reborn 400 years from now to see my reputation as Lilou by then. It would be nice if that was my next life but I truly have not a faintest idea what God has in store for me next and how satisfied She is or tempted easily I am with success or any such things.