Deep into the evening or night, the jazz music twirls in my ears and dances in sound waves. I am alone, a rare thing in my life nowadays. No wild inspiration these days. Rest time. It is very good. I reread my blog since may, which may explain why one sister does not reply to my emails anymore. It was crazy mad wild. All very fun to write but to post it, I have to accept the consequences...it shocks people who did not know, they think, I was so ill. Sigh. I am happy and this blog is a CREATIVE project where I explore visions and dreams and buddhism from experience, meditations and some imagined things like reincarnations that are off and on stories since 2018. Though the details change. I consider most of that stuff harmless. Some of it deeply paranoid. Other plain false. Other, genuinely inspired. i will stop sharing it with strangers though, the address of that blog. And stick to my twenty or so contacts for the newsletter of the blog. I suppose I do look super ill to most people who read this blog, despite the clear normal and lucid posts here and there. I smoke a huge amount of ganja which may explain the wild streaks out of the blue here and there. especially just after I have mentionned a traumatic event in my life. These memories of bad times really throw me in a loop of imagination and sometimes paranoias at my well being in this place on earth. I am not sure doing therapy again, 30 years after the orginal therapy I had for a while is what I would want to do. I thought so, but it brings back some much hurt because I have to explain my chidlhood to everyone which I have refused to do in BC. I am too old now for that reminsicence and I have done it at 20 with one years f psychoanalysis. 

I have very little stress but many memories triggers that send me in a loop by destabilizing me.