That is in truth why I am not ready to just die of a heart attack. I need time to face a big big challenge that will force me into constant meditation. I have a TON to learn about meditation techniques....I never followed anyone to learn it steadily. And practice it formally over daily practice in a technical manner. This is something I want to change. I received Mingyur Rinpoche's last book on Turning confusion into clarity. It is truly sucky to have a stroke if that is what will happen. But I have asked to learn meditation properly before I die so I can have a nice moment in death. I need much help though and I do pray I receive it. I am just an illuminated, not a master of meditation at all which I would like to change with proper training. 

I feel embarassed at my ignorant crazy wisdom of yesterday on this blog. Sigh...so it is, it must be my ego spreading false rumours as opposed to anything real. I may have a touch of holiness but I am NOT holier than Mingyur and his dad, that is a lie. Should I erase the last few entries so confusing? I have so much energy to fight, it is annoying. A great big energy that must find its purpose in meditation instead of crazy rants pointing fingers at everyone...I think it is a bad habit I picked up, ama la. From being allowed to say whatever I want since day one in this lifetime. I use online as a conduit to my thoughts and it is uncensored. Which means I truly expose my ignorance here and there. Embarassing at times but always truthful to my mind. It helps me reread my thoughts and see who i am, with this ego so irritating and accusatory.