The garlic confit  is cooking right now. It will take over half an hour to be ready. Then, I have a recipe quite fancy of carbonara pasta (vegetarian with eggs) to cook. I seem to be very fearful of change and impermanence today. The thought of losing hubby before I die haunts me and paralyzes me with fear. The thought of ever having a stroke depresses me. Many negative and pessimistic thoughts are floating in my mind today. Hubby is so good nowadays I dont feel worthy of him. I feel like a failure for not meditating daily again. i must be kind to myself a bit more, it will help with the sad thinking. Reflecting on impermamence leaves me worried and scared. Which is odd given i have lost everything once or twice before and been reborn in this very lifetime a few times. it is truly the thought of losing hubby which I am so scared of. 

I have gotten the meditation book of Rinpoche, a brick of about 400 pages, filled with details on how to meditate and reach awareness of pure reality and emptiness. I dont feel like I am capable of anything like that today or ever. I am discouraged and fearful.