I smoked a bit which was a bad idea after last night insulting and speaking like a fool on my blog and in emails. I am so embarassed. But the music is soothing and truly, all is well but I have to quit cigarettes or decrease radically because we cannot afford two packs a day at 30$ a day. Although everyone is happy and all is qiet, I feel like I have lost control of my life. Certainly, I am a slave to cigarettes. It is too much money not to mention bad for everyone, second hand smoking etc. I feel like I have lost my good will which made me accomplish so much before 20013. I have to start reading the second book of Rinpoche on meditation techniques per se. Maybe meditation could be a tool against smoking cigarettes? All my sufferings recently have been in my head. It did not used to be so much like that i thought. i suffer because of my false beliefs in certain things and it is such a foolish thing to do. As usual, I am humbled again at my life and who I am in the face of the world. I have suffered greatly at times though probably not that much more or at all more than most people on earth. It reassures me to see that we all want happiness though. And that this is why we have to be kind to ourselves and others. Reading Rinpoche book made me very scared of impermamence. Also his sickness experience extreme and meditating throughout it all due to his training (extensive, all his life) scared me in how much suffering he had to undergo to basically meditated like he wanted, through the bardo. i am far far away from being a good meditator since i have no formal training truly except a few teachings. And this scares me that I may be, because of it, unprepared for my future. Today, because I drank last night and popped my half sleeping pill, I feel weak, easily discouraged. I usually dont feel so low. Maybe I will start Rinpoche's meditation book tonight. I got it yesterday through online.